love

Last year i decided i didn’t believe in love anymore.

Before this moment, i was a complete full fledge member of the romantic brigade. I believed in forever afters, flowers, butterflies in my tummy when he calls. Talking on the phone all night long, and still missing him when he says goodnight. 

Alas, all of that was knocked out of me, and not gently, i was walloped so much my heart froze up. Replacing soft flutters came big strong walls, you have to be a giant to get through these gates. I needed to be in between these walls, for my sanity’s sake.  I needed me more than i needed someone else. It took me a whole year to come through to the other side.

First there was anger, and boy did i want to kick the shit out of anyone who came near me, shamefully i punished some that were just unlucky to be in my way. Next came regret, why did i give so much of me when i had nothing in return?, I vowed never again. Then resentment, i was ashamed that i could let someone else make me feel so useless, i felt needy and was ashamed of this need. Then reflection, i had to really look back at where my pain originated, where i lost my way, where trust gave way to lies, when  i made the wrong choices, when i stayed when i should have left. When i should have known better. Then came forgiveness, i had to forgive myself first because i realised i was more angry at me than at anyone else. I was angry that i let myself down and didn’t love myself as much as i loved him. Then i had to forgive him. The past has to be resolved for the sake of my tomorrow. I let go completely. Then came submission and prayer to God, it’s only in him i will find what love really is. In him, it will be clear what i need, with him by my side will this heart be strengthened again.

I had to fight every day to let go and not be angry, i cried, i was sad for a long time, i prayed every time my heart felt overwhelmed. I talked to God when i felt alone. And he guided me every step of the way. I don’t believe in the love society sells, the ones that people make you believe is what you need, the perfect couple stories. I don’t believe because i have seen the cracks, heard the cries, seen the fights and felt the pains whenever i was near. I know that we all have what we want, what we need. I realised what i ceased to believe wasn’t love, it was the notion of what love is. I was taught we had to work hard for love to work, relationships had to be given time and courtship helps feelings become stronger, bonds are made stronger. That’s a lie. When love dies and we stay we stay for selfish reasons. Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of starting all over again all  on our own. Who’s to say the next guy will be any better? So we choose to stay. We choose this for ourselves. This might work for some of us, but if love is really what you desire, it’s a prison sentence, it’s hell, it’s unfulfillment, always feeling you can do better but staying because the devil you know is better than what may be out there.

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations. Khalil Gibran

I believe now, that when you find the one you are meant to be with then you will know. There will be no doubt in your mind, he will bring out the best in you and you will want to be better than you are. You will care beyond what you thought you were capable of. You will forget the love in the books, your love will be all that matters. We all fall down, heart breaks are part of the preparation, a right of passage. We must always strive to find what is real to us. We must live and love with all we can. When you go through life giving only so you can receive, you will only get as much as you give.

When you give because you think it will make life better, in honesty, you get more than you give. You inherit blessings. You inherit happiness. You inherit love.

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