I am writing this post while listening to John Legend’s new album-Love in the future. Listen to it; he has some really epic songs on there, really, go try it.
Maybe I love this album because of all its lovely positive songs, maybe because now my heart and head have settled and are ready to pursue whatever life throws at them. Maybe because I have found myself again, maybe because life can sometimes give you a helping hand and God comes and picks you up when you feel all alone, maybe because I feel this is the beginning of some good. I feel ready.
Strange, I hardly saw myself as someone who was good at “waiting”. Actually am not, am pretty impatient but I have learnt to listen to the voice in my heart and head. I’ve also learnt to not be too pragmatic, this is the hardest bit. By nature, am too analytical, but life is not black and white. Time and experience have made that crystal clear.
On a normal day, I am madam go-getter; there is nothing I cannot do. Blame my mother for making me believe am a super hero. I do not lack in confidence. But I am terrified of sharing the “inner” me completely. I mean completely entrusting my heart, body and soul to someone else. I owe a lot of ex’s an apology. I am very surprised at this, because I always thought I was giving “all of me” when I was with them. Self reflection has revealed the real truth. My inner self is life crushingly shy and guarded! There you have it, am an extrovert living in an introverts soul, I am never the wall flower in any kind of situation, I have opinions and they will be heard. I believe in standing up for myself and others. I am not always vocal about it; I can fight my battles without saying a word.
On the flip side, when my guards come down, which is very rare, I feel naked, vulnerable, scared that I am not in armour. I know that I can’t really profess to giving my all and doing my best unless unless am willing to share all of me. In this private space that only a few have seen. It’s a sanctified place, filled with shadows of “lessons learnt”
One step at a time, the beginning is the best place to start. I am a little scared, but not enough to not live the life I want. The Lord is my grace, my light, my guidance. I take all of me and give it to him. In him all is possible and all is well. I know life has no guarantees, even in this crazy world; we cannot wrap ourselves away so we are safe. Tomorrow may never come, today could be all we have. Now is the time, now is the beginning. I am ready!