Freedom to be you

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gay rights

The thing i argue most about is : Freedom of choice

Mainly because everyone has an interpretation of what it means and its limitations. I confess i can be very liberal. I was raised to treat people as I wanted to be treated.

In my humble opinion, we should be allowed to make the most of what we have and who we are if we are not hurting someone else in the process. In recent days, Gay marriage has been legalised in the following 12 states in the US:

1. Massachusetts
2. Connecticut
3. Vermont
4. New Hampshire
5. New York
6. Maryland
7. Maine
8. Washington
9. Rhode Island
10. Delaware
11. Minnesota
12. The District of Columbia

Thirty-six states have gay marriage bans through either laws or constitutional amendments or both.

In Britain this year, The House of Lords voted in favour of the  gay marriage Bill by 390 votes to 148.

in Africa, the stories are much worse, being Gay can have you imprisoned or killed. It boggles my mind because we have so many more pressing and much more deserving issues our countries should be pooling resources towards. They are struggling to provide the most basic of needs but no, what two adults choose to do with their lives is apparently paramount. In most African countries, governments cannot provide:

• Clean water/ proper sanitation for their citizens
• Education for its population
• Employment opportunities, you have to know someone to get a good job most of the time
• Good Healthcare is for the elite few, African presidents leave their respective countries to get good medical health services abroad.
• Electricity is like bingo, one minute you are enjoying a night in front of the tv, next minute pah, surrounded in darkness.

The list is endless. instead of tackling this, we raise our voices, carry machetes in the street and beat gay people to death or lock them up. While we are busy doing this, we accept

• Killing each other is various wars. War is king
• Our children dying of hunger, malaria, HIV, malnutrition
• Improper education or complete lack of it
• Corruption at every level of our governments filtering down into society. Every leader and their friends and family fill their pockets when in power, the pot is ever empty
• Extreme poverty has become part of the fabric of our society.

Of a nation where governments do little, and sufferings of all kinds is evident in everyday life, we choose to add more to our afflictions. Fueled by religious doctrine and cultural zeal, it is hugely offensive to be African and Gay. Your family will die of shame, literally. The usual suspects of arguments, in no  particular order are:

1. It is not part of our culture, we have to preserve our culture
2. It is not christian, muslim (insert prefered religion)
3. It is sick, disgusting
4. They should do it privately
5. It can be cured
6. It’s an abomination (this one is particularly a favourite, comes up every time)
7. We cannot accept it because it is wrong, simple
8. Why are you defending them, are you gay (this is normally when tempers are about to flare up, mine included)
9. It’s not natural

All of these opinions, to me, are not valid reasons. But oppression never made any sense, It is based purely on superiority and self-importance.

Lets start with religion for it is the first that is normally thrown out of the box. Sinning is part of the human psyche, if you are religiously inclined, you will understand this very well. Human beings are inherently flawed. So much so that God had to give us specific instructions to keep us from maiming one another, but we still stray, a lot. In reality, we are constantly straying. If sinning is part of human existence, and being gay is a sin, well God made it so. At this point, the word blasphemy is thrown at me, and I am told that one cannot be Muslim/Christian and be gay, one must choose. Now this I find particularly intriguing. Making decisions for God sounds very blasphemous to me. God is not exclusive to anyone, however, just to understand their own practice of God’s words and his rules, when I enquire how many of them have never cheated, ,lied, stolen something, fornicated, taken the Lords name in vain, bear false witness, slept with someone’s wife/husband. No one, can counter argue that. Because everyone has fallen foul of breaking at least one rule that God considers sinful.

The argument progresses to, its not natural. Marrying your cousin to me is not natural and some cultures still practice this, polygamy was a natural part of our society once upon a time, christianity changed that, so what was once natural became frowned upon, but  in muslim homes it is a norm. Natural is relative.

Then then there is it makes me sick seeing a man/woman and another man/woman together, always followed by , we cannot accept it because its wrong, simple. Well, i can tell you a few things that i find sickening too. When a mother is turned away by doctors because she doesn’t have money for treatment for her child, that to me, is the abomination, when money is put before life. Yes, there are many things that are wrong in this world, but, we still accept them and move on.

Its not part of our culture. Please. We choose culture when it suits us. Culture is history, we make it, we can un-make it. Killing twins was a cultural favourites in some African villages, circumcision of women and sewing their vulvas to keep their purity is also another cultural pastime. Not pretty is it?

Using culture or religion for one’s own personal pursuit is an old story. We all know  it’s hypocrisy. Feeble excuses.

Sometimes i think it’s a losing battle, i will never win this argument. You cannot change people’s convictions easily.

We put so much effort into discriminating against a small minority with so much hate and so little validation. I should be surprised but i am not, because tribalism is rife in Africa. Your surname is either a chain or a crown. Something to be revered or put down for. We have not fully accepted one another. Each country believing they are better, each tribe beating their chest because they are sons of kings, each family trying to out do another because some distant grandmother is of royal descent.

Why are you defending them is normally saved for last. I am because i believe that we should all have the right to love and live freely, it’s that simple. Yes, i am expecting too much. Maybe because Africa will always be my home and i find it hard to accept that amongst all its struggle there is another one added. And i know we cannot be free until we each take a good look at our own transgressions and address why we feel, our own sense of righteousness is the only way. Maybe because my children may suffer the same ordeal of discrimination of who they will become.

I hope for change in a place surrounded by bleakness and hopelessness, but i continue to argue, not to change all minds but at the very least, to make one person listen, because “Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed” Martin Luther King, Jr. 

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The right “one”…

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doubt

 

I went to my best friend’s wedding this weekend gone by and had a blast. She looked gorgeous and in love and he looked handsome and in love. There was no doubt that these two each have been lucky to find each other.

This got me thinking, well am always thinking but in honed in my thoughts a little. I have been told that i am too picky, i look at the physical, and I tend to stick to what I like. Do not get me wrong, i can be picky but it’s not based on the physical only. And to be honest we are all picky, that’s how we make choices. To get what you want you must seek it. I mean if you want to buy a car first you look at how much money you have to spend and then types of cars you can afford. If you know the type of man/woman you want then you look at the traits you need in him/her setting out the eligible men/women for you.

It seems all my friends including me want to be wed, it’s a natural thing, no one wants to be alone for the rest of their life and love is a necessary human condition. We live for it, it sustains us.

My fear in this realisation is that i think my list is thinning out or at best being contaminated. All of a sudden i cannot phantom to my needs or wants. What exactly is the “one”? I realised i would like someone who mirrors the traits. I can be too passive so i need someone more proactive, i can be moody so i need someone who is more chilled out. I can be forgetful so i need someone who is organised.

My needs fuel my wants but they are never clear cut. I cannot seem to climb over the fence of the first stages of the beginning of relationships. It seems i have little or no practice in getting my steps right at the beginning so it never really goes a step further. I live in relationship purgatory. It never gets too bad or too brilliant.

The fear of compromise breaks me out in a sweat because i fear i may give everything and lose everything. To give in and then fall through a maze of unknown realms is scary. I do not know where to start so how do i begin in a land of no knights.

Perhaps i am prepared but not ready….. I wonder.

Morning Grace

Today i woke up with a certain sense of reassurance, not about anything in particular, i opened my eyes and although tired to the bone i have this feeling something good is on its way. I am not psychic so i have no idea what this good thing is but just for the peace of mind that has presented itself, i am grateful and humbled at the same time.

It never ceases to amaze me what God does, in the strangest of times. He performs little miracles everyday in our lives,  a lot of which goes unnoticed because we are too busy trying to gain more or wanting something more.

The last month has been a tiresome one for me, both physically and emotionally but i kept telling myself this “i trust you lord”

Every time i wake up in the morning and is overwhelmed with all the problems i think i need to solve i say “i trust you lord”.

 I’ve stopped using my prayer mat for specific prayer requests! Although i still want that Chanel bag.. Lol….

Now when i pray i end it with, thank you for my life, thank you for your grace. This is a little something i wrote:

Lord

Your grace shrouds me, wraps itself over my pain, lifts my spirits and eases my yearnings.

Thank you lord for your grace

Your grace stills my anxious soul; shield my shame and my shortcoming every day. You keep me from falling.  Thank you lord for your grace

Your grace clears my path, makes me look up even when my eyes are being forced to be cast down. Thank you lord for your grace

You have given me exceedingly, protected me fiercely, blessed me abundantly

Thank you lord, for your grace.

Thank you for your blessings.

Thank you for your love.

I hope you all have a great weekend ahead of you. Remember you are uber fabulous  xxx

We have heard you….

The news is purged with its usual terrorist attacks, murder victims, plane crashes and calamities. The end of days? Who knows, maybe mankind is on a century long destructive path and now television is showing us the might of our ways. We are indeed a powerful race, free will and all that. God granted us this and a lot of the times we use it to damage and destroy. No wonder he is shortening our life spans, imagine if man could live to 500 years as depicted in the holy books, we would have wiped out planet earth to its core.

Yesterday i had a discussion with a friend and he was going on about corruption in Africa, lack of freedom, killings, bad governments and the total disregard for human life. Lack of vision, the greediness of our leaders coupled with their stupidity, the list is endless. We both decided we missed home, so much, sometimes unbearably but are scared for what is there. We know the strength of our people and the brutality they can unleash.

We looked at every West African country just to narrow the numbers and focus our minds and what a pitiful picture we painted. A lot of these countries are

1. In abject poverty, apart from a few  most of whom are either in the government of have “old” money
2. Have terrible health care and education systems
3. Are in religious, civil or tribal wars, sometimes all of the above
4. Have no human rights, our governments laugh in the face of human rights
5. Have wobbly Infrastructures standing on one leg at the best of times

However a lot of these countries have

1. A high percentage of learned graduates –who unfortunately have no jobs because in Africa it’s who you know not what you have achieved at university is what it key to your success. In fact you might as well use that paper that you have slaved over to make yourself a paper aeroplane and swish it into lala land if you think you stand a chance without knowing someone. One wonders where corruption stems from?
2. Invaluable resources- oil, gold, silver ,copper, coffee, huge massive forests which i bet harbour new species of plants and animals yet to be discovered
3. Man power-our men are strong and capable, do you wander why they forcibly recruited us to come and plant sugar cane?
4. Woman Power: Our women are even stronger; they bring up families’ single handily. Do not be deceived by what the media will tell you about the African woman, she is suppressed yes, but she is strong and can still command. I have seen african women in action, trust me you do not want to cross them. These are mothers with a difference, mine still sends shivers down my spine if i am naughty, no african child however old is immune from this.
5. Culture- i cannot use the word rich, it is insufficient in describing what depths our culture delves into. Every celebration, every ritual, every occasion has a purpose.
6. Respect: when i was growing up, respecting your elders is like the air you breathe, if you forget this your breath will be literally taken away by a hot slap lol!
7. Community: where i grew up, there is a saying that you may be poor but no one can ever go hungry. I thought that was everywhere until i saw those famous rwandan war victims with their skeletons, cladded in only skin. These pictures have come to depict our whole continent.
8. Talent: Walk into any UK institution and you will be awashed with our men and women everywhere, we are doctors, nurses, engineers, lawyers, cooks, designers, architects, cleaners, bus drivers, bankers….the list is endless.
9. Plus we are the best dancers in the universe oh and singers too…lol

Yes we do not have freedom of speech, but remember Henry the eight who relived his wives of their heads?

Yes we have egotistical leaders with the greediness of a pack of hungry hyenas, one word. Ok two..Adolf Hitler, nuff said.

Yes our children die, needlessly, everyday..so did yours when you were evolving or is it called growing as a nation/attaining civilisation.

Yes we are hungry sometimes because our government ministers are using our money to buy their wives gucci shoes. One day the shoe will be on the other foot. I pray to god i live to see it.

Yes, yes yes, our men are vilified and our women abused–your history books can attest to the fact that your men and women went through then what our men and women are going through now.

Yes, our governments will not let us even have sex with whom we want. Woe beside you are lesbian or gay in Africa! Apparently an abomination, heads of states have sworn to literally roll heads on this issue—you did the same to your gay community not too long ago.

Yes, everyone thinks we are a charity case

We have heard you for crying out loud, silence your drums and stop wagging your fingers at us.

Now….after all that…

Tell your children that we are also a nation of wealth and goodness

Tell your mothers and fathers that we are artists and musicians and have kings and princesses

Tell them that we also toil the land and mostly feed ourselves

Please write in your books of our great ancestors, our poets and writers

Tell them of our children who now are paying a lot of the taxes in your country

Tell your presidents to make sure our governments can trade fairly instead of telling us how they will save us, we can save our selves if you just let us have some say into how much we want to sell our coffe grains to y0u. We know you love coffee.

Stop coming to our beautiful beaches and exploiting our innocents—we know you do this. Yes we know.

Your media, your voice, the eyes and ears of your people cannot go for one day without showing our dead, our hunger, and our struggle.

We invite you to see our happiness, our triumphs, and our heroes

We invite you to hear our poets and hear our musicians play

We invite you to hear our children dance and amaze you

We invite you to hear our stories, they are not all bad

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

We have heard you. Give it a rest

The Imperfections of Perfection

You have to start with yourself, your needs, your wishes, your problems, your likes and your desires. You have to be absolutely certain of who you are before you can even delve into the depths of hoping someone else can know you beyond your wildest dream. To be with that person who can finish your sentences and read your moods. This is not as clear cut and concise as one might think, if you ask a million people the question do you know who you are they will unequivocally say to you that yes, of course. Ask them what they really want and they will probably roll out a huge scroll, now ask them to describe who they are? I am not talking about labels like i am mother to mary, sister to john or granddad to abdou, they should tell you who they are with no afflictions to their jobs, position in life, or ties to family. I bet you a lot of people might have to take a rain check on that. A lot of the time we are certain of what we want until we attain in and realise what little effect it has.  Let’s take me as an example, i always say this. I hope i find a man who is tall and handsome and rich and modest and kind, and compassionate and tolerant ……the list is endless. I mean if such a man does exist and i very much doubt that he does because i realise i am asking for mr perfect he is probably still in the evolutionary process being moulded by the hand of God.

I decided to concentrate on me and see what it is that i have to offer this perfect being that i think will make a great partner for the rest of my days. With the help of some dim lights and a comfortable bed i decided to sift through the layers and layers of wall i protect myself with during the day. I do most of my most intimate thinking in bed, i suppose during the day i can hide from myself but at night there is nowhere to run to. So last night after dreaming up the perfect man with his perfect woman (supposedly me) i painted a merry picture. However upon close inspection her perfection was flawed, her makeup was too right, her clothes too perfect, her hair too straight, her lips too pursed. The saddest thing was that her eyes looked empty and lonely, as if she was not even there.

At work this morning i am mulling over this disturbing image, so even if i have the perfect man i will be unhappy? Am i some socio-path that likes the darkness of sorrow? Is this normal? I had to take a moment to think, i had to clarify to myself what this image meant. I said a little prayer, i am not the most religious person you will meet but my faith in God is unshakable, he has a profound influence in what i do and how i do them and there is no doubt in my mind that he directs my path and is always there for me. I took a moment out and i asked him for clarity and to take away my anxiety, the devil is a liar that much i know.

After a full day of trying as hard as i could not to dwell on the negativity of what i had seen in my mind as me, i began to calm down a little. This was me conjuring things in my head but it was also a wakeup call. What this image signified was how i portrayed myself to the opposite sex. I confess that i sometimes take people at face value. A well dressed man, an eloquent man, a man who commands respects, a good looking man immediately gets my attention. I see the physical without the character and fall for that. In return i give the same image back. I will glam up to the nines on a first date, i will make sure everything about me is as perfect as i can muster because i believe that is what is expected, we must be the best, wear the best shoes  and the latest trends to make an impact. This image is unsustainable, sometimes a girl wants to strip her makeup, fling those heels off and jump in to comfortable clothing, go all au-naturelle . No gimmicks

Am not saying i am going all ghetto but i’ll like the next person who i am with to see my imperfections and be cool with them and the same for me. I would like to spend a whole Sunday in bed just being silly and not taking a bath! Lol. I have never done that.  Imagine that.

After a long day of thinking about who i am, my lesson is that perfection is not attainable through mans will, yes we must be the best we can but perfection is only possible through God’s will. What a lesson. So take stock of your attributes and be glad in them. You were made in God’s image that is what perfection is. Happy Easter.