Unsettled

Today is one of those afternoons that I have nada to do. Zilch, zero, nattin. So am here, thinking out loud.  As you all know the devil likes idleness, especially an idle mind. I had a fleeting thought which went like so

Are you happy?

I had to think long and hard. Actually my hesitation brought on another thought, why are you not happy which means am unhappy right?

 I haven’t been particularly over the moon lately but am not unhappy either.  I feel ok, just ok. That feeling of “settling” is beginning to become familiar. I don’t particularly care much about much.  Now this is a double ended sword because I find the things I use to find annoying are not so annoying because let’s face it, sometimes we stress about very petty insignificant matters.  It also means the things that I use to find thrilling have lost their pazaaz.

It is a kind of purgatory and nothing feels too bad to despair about, which is what  would normally have propelled me to want to change my situation.

 Not this time.

So for now, I am here in this holding pen until this cloud turns into thunderous rain. Oh yes, I know this is the calm before the storm, I just have no idea what the winds will blow my way.

Unsettling.

The right “one”…

Tags

doubt

 

I went to my best friend’s wedding this weekend gone by and had a blast. She looked gorgeous and in love and he looked handsome and in love. There was no doubt that these two each have been lucky to find each other.

This got me thinking, well am always thinking but in honed in my thoughts a little. I have been told that i am too picky, i look at the physical, and I tend to stick to what I like. Do not get me wrong, i can be picky but it’s not based on the physical only. And to be honest we are all picky, that’s how we make choices. To get what you want you must seek it. I mean if you want to buy a car first you look at how much money you have to spend and then types of cars you can afford. If you know the type of man/woman you want then you look at the traits you need in him/her setting out the eligible men/women for you.

It seems all my friends including me want to be wed, it’s a natural thing, no one wants to be alone for the rest of their life and love is a necessary human condition. We live for it, it sustains us.

My fear in this realisation is that i think my list is thinning out or at best being contaminated. All of a sudden i cannot phantom to my needs or wants. What exactly is the “one”? I realised i would like someone who mirrors the traits. I can be too passive so i need someone more proactive, i can be moody so i need someone who is more chilled out. I can be forgetful so i need someone who is organised.

My needs fuel my wants but they are never clear cut. I cannot seem to climb over the fence of the first stages of the beginning of relationships. It seems i have little or no practice in getting my steps right at the beginning so it never really goes a step further. I live in relationship purgatory. It never gets too bad or too brilliant.

The fear of compromise breaks me out in a sweat because i fear i may give everything and lose everything. To give in and then fall through a maze of unknown realms is scary. I do not know where to start so how do i begin in a land of no knights.

Perhaps i am prepared but not ready….. I wonder.